‘Love is a stranger in an open car, to tempt you in and drive you far away’ – The Eurythmics
I met up with a good friend I have known for 20 years now.
I won’t say his name for privacy but he was from a group of friends I have been friends with since uni.. From this particular group of friends (90% Guys) out of all of them he was and always has been the non-commitment, avoidant attachment style, always a girl or a few on the go.
For 20 years we would always laugh and banter at his antics with women. He held the archetype of the true ‘player’ in our group… that is until recently.
When we met up he confided in me that he had been in a really bad place last year because of a girl that had broken his heart’.
I wryly smiled. – Ah, It had happened to the one person I never expected it could happen to.. He had ‘fallen in love’ (I quote) with a girl.
Let’s call her ‘Girl X’ and let’s call him ‘Guy’. Oh and to make matters more complicated he has a new girlfriend, let’s call her ‘Girl Y’
Guy: ‘Honestly, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I would have done anything for her. There was so much chemistry, passion. I loved her and I still think about her all the time’
Me: ‘But you have a new girlfriend now, what about her?. Let me guess, you don’t really feel the way about her that you did about Girl X?’
Guy: Looked down soberly, ‘Nah I don’t feel the same. She’s a great girl and we get on well like, but it’s just not the same’
Me: ‘Let me guess, that spark, the passion..the magic is missing?’
Guy: Yeah that’s exactly it. We were only together for 3 months but I loved her and I knew she loved me.- We both told each other so. I would even have married and had children with her if that’s what she wanted, even though I never wanted that; I felt so strongly about her.
Me: If ‘Girl Y’ wanted to get married and have kids with you, would you do it?
Guy: No. I don’t want that unless with Girl X.
I know it’s bad but I still think about ‘Girl X’ all the time as well.
I was totally in love with her, even though it was only 3 months
Me: How much did you know about Girl X? You didn’t know her that long.
Guy: It was really intense, everything was at full speed, fell head over heels in love with her. She didn’t disclose everything though, there were some things I was wondering about her but never asked. Then she just left and I just can’t get over her. Even now when I’m with Girl Y
I smiled. I could relate. – I hear so many stories from my clients about this. They are with someone but can’t stop thinking about someone else…
Then the song by The Eurythmics started playing in my head ‘Love is a Stranger’. I always trust the songs that spirit play in my head. That’s when the lightbulb when off. It wasn’t Love, it was Infatuation.
Love vs Infatuation
Me: Sounds like you didn’t know that much about her and it was so intense, huge flame and she blew out that flame and you’ve never been the same since. An infatuation, not love.
Guy: You’re probably right there Ange. I want to feel all those things I did with Girl Y but … I just don’t
Me: Girl Y is not for you, mate. Fine for a short term thing but she’s not your life partner – the magic is missing.. You’ll find another girl that you felt similar for Girl X for but it will be different, more longevity, Love not infatuation.
Guy: I won’t feel the way about anyone else, the way I felt about her.
Me: You will. You will and it will be better because you’ll have the spark & passion but it will have the longevity of love rather than a huge flame infatuation that doesn’t last.
The truth was that my friend was intoxicated with Infatuation. Let’s face it, we’ve all been there where emotions override logic.
Infatuation is when you project your fantasy onto someone that you find attractive in all areas. There’s just ‘something about them’
It’s an intensely strong attraction and fixation on someone you actually don’t know that well… but you think you do and that they’re ‘the one’.
Sometimes Infatuation can turn into love, but a lot of the time it doesn’t. This is because we are all human and no one is perfect – No one can live up to the fantasy of a huge infatuation.
My friend may have got disappointed the longer he knew Girl X because the holes in the fantasy would have become apparent. He may have realised that she is not perfect, no one is!
Love on the other hand is something that grows over time, you know the person very well and love them for who they are, including their flaws and faults.
Maybe my friend’s infatuation could have turned into love. Maybe it was a soul recognition, they possibly could be part of the same soul group or possibly a soul contract…
but that’s a whole different topic for another post I’ll write about.
